Sunday, April 29, 2012

"I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too ..."

I had the pleasure tonight of listening to the rough cut of Kyrie's documentary on Jordan's life with Autism and various disorders. I say listening, and not watching as she had an issue bringing it home from school on her pc - since it's not been burned to DVD's yet - thus she had to convert the file, and a bunch of other technical mumbo jumbo that I'm not here to talk about. The point is she only had audio on her MAC so we huddled around it like we were listening to an old time radio show.

There were plenty of sweet, tender moments. And lots of humor courtesy of both Jordan and Christie.  I come across for the most part as the compassionate, concerned mom that I am. 90% of the time. The other 10%? Well ....

My kids push my buttons. Daily. And they're really good at. So the recent capture on film of Jordan and I arguing over him wearing the same one pair of pants EVERY DAY and how unacceptable I feel that is because if they are already worn and if they're washed even every other day, they'll be shot for good soon. I searched high and low those type of pants, the ONLY ones he likes, and believe me they are nowhere to be found. I think I'd have more luck hitting the Powerball then to find them this time of year!

The whole scene made for some sweet footage for our aspiring film maker. Raw. Uncensored. (Picture me saying God damn it - which I do say on occasion but am trying to quit - it in sheer frustration) Dramatic. And for me, painful.

I cringed hearing myself be so demanding. Taking my Lord's name in vain over a pair of polyester track pants. All I needed was some pale green skin, a pointed hat, and a broomstick and I could have been on my way to take over for the wicked witch Dorothy disposed of. I guess the flying monkeys would have been a perk to live with, and quite entertaining for awhile.

Joking aside, I'm only human and those emotions were the real me, living the frustration that consumed me at that moment. Of not being able to help my son with a sensory problem. Or "fix" things and make them better. So when I say my prayers tonight and apologize for that verbal slip, I will also ask yet again for more patience. And a better tomorrow ...